Sit in it.

So I spent a total of 25 days in Texas. I spent it with my close friends and family. I didn’t have many moments alone and as my trip ended I found myself craving some time to myself, craving my room, and craving to get back home to LA. I was indeed homesick. 

Upon arrival to LA, that feeling kind of faded. I found myself immediately frustrated and feeling alone. Just so happens that all my friends that I normally spend my time on the phone with  have been busy. 

This naturally triggered within me feelings of extreme loneliness, being forgotten, unimportant, irrelevant, and without value. I simply felt like I wasn’t needed. If you’ve read things I’ve written before, then you know that these are feelings I am in a constant battle with. Because of this fact, I became frustrated with the battle. This constant feeling of being insignificant in almost every space in my life. I’m honestly quite sick of it and just got to a place where I just wish I could get over it, but, I can’t. 

As I sit in these feelings and emotions God is revealing to me that the feeling I had when I was craving to come back to LA and craving some space to myself was really my soul craving some time with him. I had interpreted my souls cry for intimacy with God as being homesick. As I realize this, I feel annoyed honestly because that isn’t exactly what my heart desires. My heart is not desiring time with God, my heart is desiring a phone call from a friend or a text from someone asking to FaceTime. My heart is craving human interaction with those who I am closest to. The sad part about this is that I know that would instantly send me the temporary peace that I so desperately want and crave. If I were to receive a call right now, in seconds my entire mood would change.

But there’s intentionality in this moment not happening the way I desire. It feels like I’m being tortured honestly, but what is really happening is God is giving me space to sit in what I’m feeling rather than finding a way out of it. He’s giving a real space to heal, a real space to feel with him, a real space to accept the reality of my feelings and adopt the truth of his. He’s showing me my heart, he’s showing me the very prideful desire to just FEEL better rather than actually healing. 

This has been a long time issues in my personal relationship with the Lord, I just want to feel better. Brokenness hurts and I just want to feel better. But the kindness of God is that he doesn’t always give us what we want, but he always gives us what we need, whether we understand it or not. 

A few days ago I watched a sermon by Dharius Daniels and he said something that has become a personal prayer. He said “If He didn’t give me what I thought I needed, He taught me how to live without it.” My prayer has been “God teach me how to live without the things I THINK I need.” I’m convinced he’s doing just that and in doing that he’s teaching me how to live with  and rely on Him in a deeper way. The truth is that if I’m not living with and reliant upon him, the people He sends into my life won’t be able to serve their God purpose in my life because I’m reliant on them and not God. I won’t be able to see God moving in and through them because of my desire to be fulfilled by them.

I wrote this from a very present place. This is honestly more a journal than a blog but I want to share because I have to believe that I’m not alone in this. Maybe the circumstances aren’t the same but the dynamic resonates with you. I want to encourage us all to just sit in it with God and heal. This is revival.