I Don't Love Me.

I don’t love me. 

I wrote this after reading a self-love blog that my spiritual mom DeShawne wrote. I was deeply convicted by the fact that I’ve spent most of my walk with God and time in ministry intentionally learning how to love other people, asking him to search my heart to find evil things that I feel about others, and praying for him to give me his heart for other people, never asking him to show me the same about myself. I have not asked to give me his heart for me and show me how to love me the way he loves me. This realization brought me to a heartbreaking revelation that I don’t love me and I don’t think that I ever have.

My entire life I’ve struggled to find and see the lovable parts of me. When I think about myself I don’t have good or loving thoughts. I rarely think of myself in relation to God either, usually I think about myself in relation to other people. Not in a comparison way but what others must think when they see me or when I speak to them. Even my closest and most dear friends. I struggle to believe that they truly love me but I realize, it’s because I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel worthy because I don’t love me. 

Growing up from a very early age, I drug myself around at the mercy of other kids to be loved by them. I lived truths that were not my own for the sake of their validation. I remember doing this as early as 2nd grade. I never had friends who I felt loved me for me, they loved me for what I could portray and the moment I didn’t portray what they liked I was talked about, laughed at, and forgotten until I could do or say something that impressed them. This was my reality for the entirety of my childhood. I never had friends to stand up for me, protect me, or love me with their words. I just did, proved, and purchased their love on a day to day basis. Some days what I had was enough and others I was literally left to sit alone.

I lived in this constant hot and cold dynamic, not knowing from one day to the next how my friends would feel about me. I also sadly felt this way at home and ultimately now it has followed me into my friendships. Each day I wake up wondering how my friends feel about me and if their view of me has changed overnight. I am constantly checking in for affirmation and asking questions like “are you mad at me?” or “has anything changed about how you feel about me”. I still often feel like that little girl left at the table to sit alone. (Projection)

Often my prayer has been Lord give me your heart for your people. Teach me how to love like you. Show me how to love. But never has my heart been postured towards asking God to teach me how to love me the way that he loves me. Ever. 

Reflecting upon this really has me in a deep emotional place. I’m sitting here conflicted because I feel that In this season God has called me to write, uplift, and prophesy in my writing. I feel like this piece falls short of that call but as I write I’m reminded that this is revival and God is reviving my soul bringing awareness to the places in me that are dead and non-existent. Without a revelation of love for yourself revival cannot happen because we cannot adequately love one another without loving ourselves. This is part of revival.